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Noon. London: my flat. Ugh. The last thing on earth I feel physically, ___1___ (emotion) or mentally equipped to do is drive to Una and Geoffrey Alconbury's New Year's Day Turkey Curry Buffet in Grafton Underwood. Geoffrey and Una Alconbury are my parents' best friends and, as Uncle Geoffrey never tires of ___2___ (mind) me, have known me since I was running round the lawn with no clothes on. My mother rang up at 8.30 in the morning last August Bank Holiday and forced me to promise to go. She approached it via a cunningly circuitous route.
'Oh, hello, darling. I was just ringing to see what you __3___ (want) for Christmas.'
'Christmas?,
'Would you like a surprise, darling?'
'No!' I bellowed. 'Sorry. I mean . . . '
'I wondered if you'd like a set of wheels for your suitcase.'
'But I haven't got a suitcase.
'Why don't I get you a little suitcase with wheels attached. You know, like air ______4 (host) have.'
'I've already got a bag.'
'Oh, darling, you can't go around with that tatty green canvas thing. You look like some sort of Mary Poppins person who's fallen on hard times. Just a little compact case with a pull-out handle. It's amazing how much you can get in. Do you want it in navy on red or red on navy?'
'Mum. It's eight thirty in the morning. It's summer. It's very hot. I don't want an air-hostess bag.'
'Julie Enderby's got one. She says she never uses ___5__ (any) else.'
'Who's Julie Enderby?'
'You know Julie, darling, Mavis Enderby's daughter. Julie! The one that's got that super-dooper job at Arthur Andersen . . . '
'Mum . . . '
'Always takes it on her trips . . . '
'I don't want a little bag with wheels on.'
'I'll tell you what. Why don't Jamie, Daddy and I all club together and get you a proper new big suitcase and a set of wheels?'
Exhausted, I held the phone away from my ear, puzzling about where the ___6____ (mission) luggage-Christmas-gift zeal had stemmed from. When I put the phone back she was saying: ' . . . in actual fact, you can get them with a compartment with bottles for your bubble bath and things. The other thing I thought of was a shopping trolley.'
'Is there anything you'd like for Christmas?' I said desperately, blinking in the dazzling Bank Holiday sun¬light.
'No, no,' she said __7___ (air). 'I've got everything I need. Now, darling,' she suddenly hissed, 'you will be coming to Geoffrey and Una's New Year's Day Turkey Curry Buffet this year, won't you?'
'Ah. Actually, I . . . I panicked wildly. What could I pretend to be ___8___ (do)? ' . . . think I might have to work on New Year's Day.'
'That doesn't matter. You can drive up after work. Oh, did I mention? Malcolm and Elaine Darcy are coming and bringing Mark with them. Do you remember Mark, darling? He's one of those top-notch barristers. Masses of money. Divorced. It doesn't start till eight.'
Oh God. Not another ____9__ (strange) dressed opera freak with bushy hair burgeoning from a side-parting. 'Mum, I've told you. I don't need to be fixed up with . . . '
'Now come along, darling. Una and Geoffrey have been holding the New Year Buffet since you were ___10___ (run) round the lawn with no clothes on! Of course you're going to come. And you'll be able to use your new suitcase.'